Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
