Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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