Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
