You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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