I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
her vagine was all disorganized.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
