i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
