Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize