you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My balls are so social today.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How drunk are you?
Completed.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
