He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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