if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
