I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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