i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
