I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
