I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
