I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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