i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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