Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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