Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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