You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
