i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
