i would punch a child for taco bell
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
