if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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