Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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