In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
