I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
