strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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