Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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