I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
