I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
