i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
