from now on my penis is your penis
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
