just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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