you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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