dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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