Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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