I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
