she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
