Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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