mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
