remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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