Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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