Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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