it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
