life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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