smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
