alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you didnt know i had herpes?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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