Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
my poor anus
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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