your thong is hanging out like whoa
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
