Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
