If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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